Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
