you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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