the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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