Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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