Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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