I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
