I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's Friday. Sex?
only if we run a train.
done.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
