he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
