If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
