I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
