I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
