i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
