I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
