life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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