I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
