I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
