So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
