last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
