3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
