Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
