I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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