Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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