So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
