please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
