I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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