We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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