margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
