I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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