Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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