i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
