just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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