It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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