i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
