I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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