if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
