I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
