you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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