I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
