i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
