I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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