3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
