I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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