i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
