a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
