We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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