his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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