im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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