mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
