I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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