I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
