Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
