Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
