It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
