just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
